In Loving Memory

This post is in loving memory of my child who was born to heaven on December 28, 2006.

It seems the reality of my miscarriage has finally sunk in. At first I didn't really grasp what was happening. I mean, I knew, but it wasn't real. I thought I was doing okay with it. But this week it finally sunk in. I think that Grampa Wallace's funeral was what did it. There was a floral arrangement to symbolize his great-grandchildren who were awaiting him in heaven. Four perfect red roses. One for Shay, one for William, one for Adrian, and one for my baby.

My baby. My baby with no name. My baby that no one even knew about until it was gone. My baby that died only 16 days after being conceived.

Teagan said that God knew my baby's name. I prayed that the Lord might see fit to tell me what it was. That night at Grampa's visitation a family friend walked up to me. She said, "Did you have Sadie Rose picked for a name?" I was taken aback. This woman could not have known about my preganacy or miscarriage. Then she said, "I keep calling Ruby Sadie Rose for some reason. That's wierd." And she walked away. Then it hit me. God was giving me my baby's name.

Sadie Rose Anthony
Born to heaven on Decmber 28, 2 006

The next morning we went to the cemetary for Grampa's burial. He was buried next to the babies' graves. There was Shay's headstone, and William's and Adrian right between them. I didn't even know Adrian had a headstone. That was also a first trimester miscarriage, but they had a burial and a headstone. There was no Sadie Rose. There was no headstone, no memorial, no concrete place to mourn. My baby was flushed down the toilet. There was no recognition of her personhood. There was nothing but an empty womb.

As we leave the cemetary I say to Teagan, "I didn't know Adrian had a headstone." He says, do we need to buy one? No, I say, that wouldn't be right, since there was no burial place. Instead, he came up with the idea of a memorial garden. He will make an ebenezer. An ebenezer is a pile of stones to symbolize what God has done. The Israelites used them many times in the Old Testament. Teagan will make an ebenezer and we will put it in a garden of beautiful flowers outside of our new home. And there we will remember Sadie Rose.